Confused...

Quick update... So, last I wrote, I put Judy back on the Valium.  I gave it to her for 3 days. Ever since I stopped, she's been acting fine again.  It's so bizarre! It confuses me. I'm wondering what the Valuim does for her that is helping. The last time I gave her the Valuim, it didn't help her while she was on it. The day after I stopped giving it to her she started acting happy and normal. So that's why last week I thought I'd try it for a couple days again and then stop it to see if it stops her fussiness again. It worked! I told the Riley doctor and she was surprised. She said she was going to check with some of her colleagues to see if they have a hunch why the Valuim could be helping in this way.  She also is making sure we see a neurologist soon at Riley. Which is good because, my father in law (retired psychiatrist), thinks she might have Temperal Lobe Epilepsy. I have no idea, I just want answers and a solution!
Last week when I spoke with the Riley doctor, she brought up that miracle drug again. The first time we met with her she said she would give kids that have the same issues that Judy's having a mood stabilizer. But she said she wouldn't give it to someone under 2 yrs old. Well, last week when I spoke to her, she brought this drug up again, Risperidone. It's an anti-psychotic. It would be very scary to give to Judy because she's so young. There's been no research studies on children 2 and younger taking this drug. They just don't know the types of effects, etc. it could have on toddlers. But she said every time she sees Judy and/or whenever I tell her Judy stories, all she can think about is this drug. The doc brought it up this time because she just wants me to start thinking about it, researching it, and getting feedback from others on it. This drug would have to be our last resort. I just don't want to hurt her! I just want to get her feeling better and happy! I'm just so confused.
Judy just qualified for First Steps so that should be starting soon. Continue to pray. We are tired and need answers.

Results are in...

Seriously, we just can't get cut a break.  So, many of you know that my father had a brain tumor and bran surgery last November.  Surgery went well, however my dad still felt very ill with severe headaches.  Last week he went to the hospital with the worst headache of his life.  They found that his bone marrow is making too many red blood cells. They diagnosed him with Polycythemia Vera.  My dad will have to get a liter of blood drawn each week for the rest of his life, due to him making too much blood.  We could deal with this news... but, more news came from the bone marrow biopsy.  Bad news...

Dad has cancer.  It's a type of bone marrow cancer, related to this Polycythemia Vera.  It's a very rare cancer. First thing the doctor said to him was, " We have bad news.  The longest you can live with this is up to 10 years." My poor dad. I feel so bad because my mom has been in Florida for Spring Break and no one was there with my dad for the news.  That's really all my dad heard from the doctor, along with the word CANCER. None of us were prepared for this. This also has nothing to do with his brain tumor.  We are really hurting.  Not sure what else to say. Dad starts chemo this week.

Why me?! Why him??! So many whys! Why has my life turned upside down over the past 2 years?!?! Why?! I'm angry, annoyed, bitter, tired, and feel helpless.Why did I get mugged in my alley, why did I have kidney stones, why did Judy cry for 1 whole year?!?!?  I want to help all these people in my life and I can't!! My poor Jackson with his height issues, Judy with her issues, and now my dad. Please pray for our family. I'm not sure we can take much more.

Crabby Judy's Back!

That's all that needs to be said.  She's back!!! It's been an awful 2 days.  I broke down today.  Gave her the Valium again.  I had to, or I was going to lose it! Lets see if it works.  Pray she sleeps.  I can't believe this is happening again.  No more energy to write. Just needed your prayers.

Ali, You are Right!!!!

OK, I just have to post this. I'm shocked by the response I've received since starting this blog.  Everyone tells me how honest I'm being.  So, I feel the need to be a little more honest.  My sister and I were talking the other day and she reminded me what a wise choice I made by going back to work.  She's so right!!!

I'm made to work.  I'm made to be social.  I'm made to be busy.  I'm made to teach.  I was NOT made to be a stay at home mom.  Forever, I was in denial about this.  I'm not in denial anymore.  I realize, this is how God made me.  I'm a better mom when I work. I'm a better wife when I work.  I'm using my gifts and talents when I work.  I was just made to work. That doesn't mean I wasn't made to be a mom.  I just wasn't made to be a Stay at Home Mom, and that's OK! For the longest time, I felt that I was a bad mom if I worked.  This year has really taught me a lot. I've learned so much about who I am and who I was made to be.  I'm excepting who I am AND I'm not ashamed or in denial about it anymore.  No more excuses.  I'm Courtney, a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, a teacher and I'M NOT A STAY AT HOME MOM!! And that's OKAY!!! So many of you battle with this, I know.  And for those of you that are made to stay at home, as a mom/dad, that's awesome!!! I think it's great and one of the hardest jobs on earth! I admire those who are stay at home moms/dads.  But I will not feel bad that I'm not. This is HUGE for me.  I'm finally able to breath and relax in knowing who I really am.  I used to always want to please others and fit into what "other" people think I should be.  I'm done with that.  Life's too short!  I'm proud to be a teacher AND a mom.

Yes, my sister, Ali is right.  Making the choice to go back to work this year has been the best decision for me and my family.  It really saved my life.  I was in such a bad place over last summer.  Putting Judy in daycare and going back to work was by far the best thing I've done in a long time.  The best part about it is that I not only get to work, but I get to work with some of the neatest, coolest people ever, I get to teach at an amazing school, and I get to teach some really special kiddos! I'm blessed.  I've made some really great friends with my co-workers, and I enjoy waking up every morning.  My days are filled with joy and when I go home in the evenings, I'm excited to spend time with my family. (Especially now that Judy is being more JOYFUL)!! :) 

I just had to post this, because I know some of you moms/dads are battling within yourselves.  Be who God made you to be! Don't be afraid or worry about what others think.  They need to worry about themselves!!! :)

Short End of the Stick

To start, Judy is doing amazingly well!  She's very joyful these days! However, my baby boy, Jackson, got some bad news yesterday. :( 

Jackson has always been really small. He weighed 6 pounds when he was born. Just a lil peanut! Lets just be honest, Michael and I aren't the tallest, so we never expected our kids to be tall.  Last year we started to get worried because the doctor said he wasn't consistently growing on his growth chart.  He has always been in the 3% for his height for his age.  But the past couple years, he dropped to below 1%.  Doctors didn't really need to tell us this, we already really knew! He the shortest kid in his class and he's the oldest kid in his class.  It's always bothered me, but this past year it has really started to bother Jackson! :( Kids make fun of him.  Kindergartners are taller than him.  Jackson is now 9 years old and in the 2nd grade.  (I held him from starting school till he was 6).

Anyway, pediatrician sent us to the endocrinologist at Riley Children's Hospital (our 2nd home now).  We met with the doctor at Riley 6 months ago. He measured Jack and took a bone xray of his left hand.  I guess the bone in your left hand can tell doctors how much more you are going to grow.  Doc said he wanted to see us in 6 months to check growth.  So, we had our appointment with this doctor yesterday.  Jackson has grown less than 1 inch in 6 months.  This keeps Jackson at the 1 percentile for his height.  Doc said he should be growing a lot more and at a faster rate.  The doctor believes he might have a growth hormone deficiency.  Jackson will have to do a growth hormone test.  This test will take 4 hours.  They take blood from him every 30 minutes and give him some short of medicine- this will show if there's a deficiency or not.  If there is a deficiency, we will discuss growth hormone injections as an option.  Michael and I feel so bad.  Our sweet lil Jackson! He's the nicest, sweetest, most loving lil boy.  He's really sensitive and so he took this news really hard yesterday.  It broke our hearts.  Doctor said if there were 100 nine year old boys, Jackson would be the shortest of all of them.  Jack heard this and put his sweet little head down.  Jack said, "Great, I don't want to be a midget."  He was really upset.  Jack said all he cares about it going to Kings Island and be able to ride all the roller coasters.  My heart broke... my heart aches... It was one thing when Michael and I noticed he was short but now that Jackson notices it- that kills us!!! Kids can be so mean these days, and I don't want my boy to be a subject to this!!

So the saga continues with the Spear's.  We were just starting to breath again.  Can't get cut a break.  I know things could always be worse, but THIS is hard! This is really hard for us.  We are tired.  Please pray that the Lord will give us strength and that my Jackson will be able to handle all this.  My sweet little boy. Oh how I love him!

 

Fish Out of Water

No way! We did a little "staycation" last night at a hotel with an indoor pool! It was a lot of fun.  However, from the second we walked into the pool area, Judy was shaking, screaming, and crying!  It didn't help that Jackson jumped right in.  I think the sound of the splash set her off.  Judy held onto me so tight, for at least 30 minutes.  I have marks on my arm to prove it! She was terrified of the water! I was so bummed because she loves the bath, so I figured she would love the pool.  No way!  Hated it! Bless her heart! Between the sound, smell, and touch of the pool- she wasn't having it! I tried to put her feet in after awhile, she let me do that.  But she freaked if someone came close, made too loud of noise, or anything!  She's so precious! Little Judy's hair got extremely curly from the humidity in the pool area, her cheeks were extra rosey from the heat, and that somber face!!! Oh my goodness! She looked like an angel!!!  My precious little sensory baby!!!

Labels, labels, labels...

So...Mike thinks Judy's fine. He thinks we just have a crabby baby because that's our luck.  He hates the labeling! I told him the other night how I thought OT would be good for her.  He made fun of me because I was using "acronyms" now!  He said he wasn't educated yet on all the acronyms for all the labels we are going to put on our child.  UGH! I know he really thinks that she's just crabby, but I told him, this is not normal.  He said it's our normal.  UHH! Annoying!! I told Michael that he was going to make the blog because I was so mad at him!! We weren't really fighting! We were actually laughing about it and all evening he was making up acronyms for everything.  I am kind of bummed though, because I do believe she has SPD.  I guess it doesn't matter if he agrees or not, we both will still do everything we can to help her feel better.  I guess he just hates the labels.  This is every reason why he never wanted a 3rd child- he knew the baby would be crabby and hard.  And...he was right!  It's such a bummer. Gracie was extremely colicky for 4 months- I mean never stopped crying.  Forever this has changed Michael on his view of having children.  And go figure, we have our 3rd and she's beyond colic! UGH!!!  I could just scream.  She is however doing better still.  The behavioral psych said something interesting.  She wonders if the Valium we gave Judy for that short period of time DID give Judy some relief.  Because the day after I stopped giving it to her, she's been a different kid ever since.  It's interesting and something to consider.  That Valium might have actually helped?! Who knows?!  Just pray this good streak continues and that Michael can accept the labels we find Judy has. Thanks friends! Love you all!!