Whine...Wine

Been one of those days.  Poor Michael.  I had to work all day at school getting an assignment done.  I left at 7:30am and got back at 5:30pm, and still don't have it finished.  Needless to say, I'm exhausted.  All day I prayed that Judy would be joyful for Michael.  I guess she was some of the time, but the majority of the day she's been whiny and fussy.  When I came home, Judy was crying.  I tried to chat with my other kids about their day, but had a hard time doing that because...she was crying.  Tried to give her a bath, and she cried.  Gave her dinner, she ate a little bit, then back to crying.  Just tried to rock her to sleep, and she whined and cried.  Crabby Judy is in bed now, crying, still.  I might try to rock her again in a few more minutes.  Until then, I will have a glass of wine.

The weather explains it all!

Our days have been just like the weather these days, cold one day and hot the next.  It's so frustrating to not know what tomorrow will be like.  I guess I should be thankful we get some good days!

Today was a good day, and I really needed that.  Joyful Judy was so much fun to be around this evening.  Every time she gives us kisses, she opens her mouth really wide. This evening, she was trying to make a smack with her kiss.  It was so sweet!  I loved every minute of it!  When I lay my head down tonight to go to bed though, I can't help but wonder who she will be tomorrow, Crabby Judy or Joyful Judy.  Just thinking about it can make me so anxious!  I wish I just didn't have to worry about it,  I wish she was happy all the time (or at least the majority of the time).  Judy sets the tone in our house. I know that sounds crazy but she does! And there's nothing I can do about it.  I just want to fix it. 

Still waiting on the neurologist from Riley to call, so that we can make an appointment.  First Steps therapy starts this month too.  The Riley doctor wanted to get an EEG (I think that's what it's called) on Judy- this would see if she's having any type of seizures, brain issues, etc.  I asked what all it entailed- and I was like, NO WAY! It just wouldn't be worth it, unless the neurologist really thought we should do it.  So, I will wait to see what the neuro says.  It really doesn't sound that bad, but knowing Judy, it would be a nightmare.  We would have to go there in the morning, they would put all these cords on her head with a bunch of sticky glue, and then try to get her to take a nap (for at least an hour).  OK, Judy doesn't really take naps, and when she does, it would have to be in her element and in her own routine. Also, the sticky glue they put on is so sticky that it doesn't come out for 2 weeks after the test.  Judy would lose it if someone touches her head, let alone put wires and glue on her head.  She would be a HOT MESS!  I know she would never fall asleep, especially with all that stuff on her head.  I have no idea how they get little babies to do this test.  Judy would freak and I think that would just send me over the edge. AHHHH!

We've found that Judy loves the warm weather! So, this evening, I'm praying for warm weather.  I'm tired of the rain and cold!! My family, my life has had enough rainy days.  We need the sun.  "When it rains, it pours"...that's exactly how the past few months have been for our family.  Praying for a sunny day tomorrow!  I think we've had all we can take.  And my sweet Jack! He has his growth hormone deficiency test May 1st.  Please pray this is painless and that our sweet Jackson doesn't think too much about it. 

Thanks again for all your support and prayers! 

Doing OKAY

Well, we are doing okay.  Just really tired.  Last time I wrote, I put her back on the Valium for a few days because CRABBY Judy was back.  I wanted to try it again to see if it would work like last time (Valium for 3 days then stop).  You won't believe this, but it worked! Really odd!! I spoke with the Riley doctor and she is baffled by it as well.  She is going to speak with some of her colleagues to see if they might know why this Valium helps sometimes.  This past week she has been a gem! Until this morning, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Just really fussy, crying, not content, won't stay focused and/or entertained for more than 2 minutes, wants to be held, etc.  To make things worse, we somehow locked our entire family out of the house tonight, didn't even have car keys, and it was torrential raining.  Thank goodness MiMi saved the day! She drove all the way from Lebanon to bring us our spare key!! :)

Bummer of a day.  I was really hoping Joyful Judy would've lasted a little longer this run.  I guess if she's crabby again tomorrow, I might start the Valium again for a few days then stop, and see if it works again!??! My poor kids! Grace and Jackson had their parent/teacher conferences this evening at school.  Crabby Judy stole the attention from them.  We brought most of their work home, so that we can spend some time looking at it with them.  They are both doing great, by the way!! Super proud of them!! Grace is such a sweet, young lady and is extremely passionate about learning. Jackson is the funniest guy we know and has an amazing imagination.  We couldn't be prouder. And Judy...we really love her too!! We do! Good thing she's cute as a button! ;)  Just need to get her figured out.

Pray tomorrow Judy wakes up on the right side of the bed, that Michael and I will have energy, for my dad's health, and for Jackson's procedure.  Jack's growth hormone deficiency test takes place on May 1st.  I'm nervous! I love that lil' boy!

Once again, thanks for all the emails, texts, messages, etc.  This blog has helped me sooo much! Knowing we have so many people behind us and praying for us is such a blessing!
NIGHT! I'm beat.

Confused...

Quick update... So, last I wrote, I put Judy back on the Valium.  I gave it to her for 3 days. Ever since I stopped, she's been acting fine again.  It's so bizarre! It confuses me. I'm wondering what the Valuim does for her that is helping. The last time I gave her the Valuim, it didn't help her while she was on it. The day after I stopped giving it to her she started acting happy and normal. So that's why last week I thought I'd try it for a couple days again and then stop it to see if it stops her fussiness again. It worked! I told the Riley doctor and she was surprised. She said she was going to check with some of her colleagues to see if they have a hunch why the Valuim could be helping in this way.  She also is making sure we see a neurologist soon at Riley. Which is good because, my father in law (retired psychiatrist), thinks she might have Temperal Lobe Epilepsy. I have no idea, I just want answers and a solution!
Last week when I spoke with the Riley doctor, she brought up that miracle drug again. The first time we met with her she said she would give kids that have the same issues that Judy's having a mood stabilizer. But she said she wouldn't give it to someone under 2 yrs old. Well, last week when I spoke to her, she brought this drug up again, Risperidone. It's an anti-psychotic. It would be very scary to give to Judy because she's so young. There's been no research studies on children 2 and younger taking this drug. They just don't know the types of effects, etc. it could have on toddlers. But she said every time she sees Judy and/or whenever I tell her Judy stories, all she can think about is this drug. The doc brought it up this time because she just wants me to start thinking about it, researching it, and getting feedback from others on it. This drug would have to be our last resort. I just don't want to hurt her! I just want to get her feeling better and happy! I'm just so confused.
Judy just qualified for First Steps so that should be starting soon. Continue to pray. We are tired and need answers.

Results are in...

Seriously, we just can't get cut a break.  So, many of you know that my father had a brain tumor and bran surgery last November.  Surgery went well, however my dad still felt very ill with severe headaches.  Last week he went to the hospital with the worst headache of his life.  They found that his bone marrow is making too many red blood cells. They diagnosed him with Polycythemia Vera.  My dad will have to get a liter of blood drawn each week for the rest of his life, due to him making too much blood.  We could deal with this news... but, more news came from the bone marrow biopsy.  Bad news...

Dad has cancer.  It's a type of bone marrow cancer, related to this Polycythemia Vera.  It's a very rare cancer. First thing the doctor said to him was, " We have bad news.  The longest you can live with this is up to 10 years." My poor dad. I feel so bad because my mom has been in Florida for Spring Break and no one was there with my dad for the news.  That's really all my dad heard from the doctor, along with the word CANCER. None of us were prepared for this. This also has nothing to do with his brain tumor.  We are really hurting.  Not sure what else to say. Dad starts chemo this week.

Why me?! Why him??! So many whys! Why has my life turned upside down over the past 2 years?!?! Why?! I'm angry, annoyed, bitter, tired, and feel helpless.Why did I get mugged in my alley, why did I have kidney stones, why did Judy cry for 1 whole year?!?!?  I want to help all these people in my life and I can't!! My poor Jackson with his height issues, Judy with her issues, and now my dad. Please pray for our family. I'm not sure we can take much more.

Crabby Judy's Back!

That's all that needs to be said.  She's back!!! It's been an awful 2 days.  I broke down today.  Gave her the Valium again.  I had to, or I was going to lose it! Lets see if it works.  Pray she sleeps.  I can't believe this is happening again.  No more energy to write. Just needed your prayers.

Ali, You are Right!!!!

OK, I just have to post this. I'm shocked by the response I've received since starting this blog.  Everyone tells me how honest I'm being.  So, I feel the need to be a little more honest.  My sister and I were talking the other day and she reminded me what a wise choice I made by going back to work.  She's so right!!!

I'm made to work.  I'm made to be social.  I'm made to be busy.  I'm made to teach.  I was NOT made to be a stay at home mom.  Forever, I was in denial about this.  I'm not in denial anymore.  I realize, this is how God made me.  I'm a better mom when I work. I'm a better wife when I work.  I'm using my gifts and talents when I work.  I was just made to work. That doesn't mean I wasn't made to be a mom.  I just wasn't made to be a Stay at Home Mom, and that's OK! For the longest time, I felt that I was a bad mom if I worked.  This year has really taught me a lot. I've learned so much about who I am and who I was made to be.  I'm excepting who I am AND I'm not ashamed or in denial about it anymore.  No more excuses.  I'm Courtney, a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, a teacher and I'M NOT A STAY AT HOME MOM!! And that's OKAY!!! So many of you battle with this, I know.  And for those of you that are made to stay at home, as a mom/dad, that's awesome!!! I think it's great and one of the hardest jobs on earth! I admire those who are stay at home moms/dads.  But I will not feel bad that I'm not. This is HUGE for me.  I'm finally able to breath and relax in knowing who I really am.  I used to always want to please others and fit into what "other" people think I should be.  I'm done with that.  Life's too short!  I'm proud to be a teacher AND a mom.

Yes, my sister, Ali is right.  Making the choice to go back to work this year has been the best decision for me and my family.  It really saved my life.  I was in such a bad place over last summer.  Putting Judy in daycare and going back to work was by far the best thing I've done in a long time.  The best part about it is that I not only get to work, but I get to work with some of the neatest, coolest people ever, I get to teach at an amazing school, and I get to teach some really special kiddos! I'm blessed.  I've made some really great friends with my co-workers, and I enjoy waking up every morning.  My days are filled with joy and when I go home in the evenings, I'm excited to spend time with my family. (Especially now that Judy is being more JOYFUL)!! :) 

I just had to post this, because I know some of you moms/dads are battling within yourselves.  Be who God made you to be! Don't be afraid or worry about what others think.  They need to worry about themselves!!! :)

Short End of the Stick

To start, Judy is doing amazingly well!  She's very joyful these days! However, my baby boy, Jackson, got some bad news yesterday. :( 

Jackson has always been really small. He weighed 6 pounds when he was born. Just a lil peanut! Lets just be honest, Michael and I aren't the tallest, so we never expected our kids to be tall.  Last year we started to get worried because the doctor said he wasn't consistently growing on his growth chart.  He has always been in the 3% for his height for his age.  But the past couple years, he dropped to below 1%.  Doctors didn't really need to tell us this, we already really knew! He the shortest kid in his class and he's the oldest kid in his class.  It's always bothered me, but this past year it has really started to bother Jackson! :( Kids make fun of him.  Kindergartners are taller than him.  Jackson is now 9 years old and in the 2nd grade.  (I held him from starting school till he was 6).

Anyway, pediatrician sent us to the endocrinologist at Riley Children's Hospital (our 2nd home now).  We met with the doctor at Riley 6 months ago. He measured Jack and took a bone xray of his left hand.  I guess the bone in your left hand can tell doctors how much more you are going to grow.  Doc said he wanted to see us in 6 months to check growth.  So, we had our appointment with this doctor yesterday.  Jackson has grown less than 1 inch in 6 months.  This keeps Jackson at the 1 percentile for his height.  Doc said he should be growing a lot more and at a faster rate.  The doctor believes he might have a growth hormone deficiency.  Jackson will have to do a growth hormone test.  This test will take 4 hours.  They take blood from him every 30 minutes and give him some short of medicine- this will show if there's a deficiency or not.  If there is a deficiency, we will discuss growth hormone injections as an option.  Michael and I feel so bad.  Our sweet lil Jackson! He's the nicest, sweetest, most loving lil boy.  He's really sensitive and so he took this news really hard yesterday.  It broke our hearts.  Doctor said if there were 100 nine year old boys, Jackson would be the shortest of all of them.  Jack heard this and put his sweet little head down.  Jack said, "Great, I don't want to be a midget."  He was really upset.  Jack said all he cares about it going to Kings Island and be able to ride all the roller coasters.  My heart broke... my heart aches... It was one thing when Michael and I noticed he was short but now that Jackson notices it- that kills us!!! Kids can be so mean these days, and I don't want my boy to be a subject to this!!

So the saga continues with the Spear's.  We were just starting to breath again.  Can't get cut a break.  I know things could always be worse, but THIS is hard! This is really hard for us.  We are tired.  Please pray that the Lord will give us strength and that my Jackson will be able to handle all this.  My sweet little boy. Oh how I love him!